A Modest Proposal (Kind Of)

Photo by Robert Hickerson on Unsplash

The latest school shooting in Florida horrified every decent person around the world. Seventeen sons, daughters will add their names to the list of those slaughtered by AR -15 wielding, mentally disturbed men.

Like every decent person around our country, I am frustrated by the lack of specific action to end school shootings.  Politicians make speeches.  Parents and loved ones grieve. The rest of us slowly forget.  Until the next time, that is.

So, I am presenting a specific action plan to end school shootings once and for all.  Like all effective plans, it is simple. It is doable.  It will work.

  1. Arm all teachers according to their aggressiveness, propensity to violence, and prior convictions.  Weaker teachers with no criminal records and who possess strong moral foundations will be trained in admitting piercing screams intended to confuse school shooters. These deafening screams will disorient the attacker allowing  those teachers willing to be trained in  violence and mayhem to take action.  I am thinking these teachers should adopt a shock and awe posture.  Old school, WWII machine guns will adequately bring the shooter to heel.  If a school is blessed with a truly aggressive, mentally  disturbed chemistry teacher, chemical weapons will serve as a final solution.
  2. Ideally, a fortified fortress (school) will harden its perimeter.  Bullet-proof  windows, rooftop (math teacher), snipers, and lookout towers (English teachers) are minimum deterrents in a civilized society.  I love my students, so I want to beef up our defenses.  A strong presence might just be the trick to make a shooter think twice?                                                 Tanks!  Yes, tanks.  I’m thinking two will do it.  They will circle the campus during school hours and the football field during rivalry games. Only teachers with military backgrounds will drive tanks, but of course,  during faculty meetings, hall monitors will sub in as needed.
  3.  To be successful though, my plan needs a strong leader to keep us prepared for action.  Going forward, only prospective principals with military, experience or criminal records are fit for command.  When a threat, real or imagined, presents itself, the General Principal will sound an air-siren calling all teachers to their duty stations.  Students will immediately crawl under their desks and wrap their hands around their heads(this strategy worked for my classmates and me in the 60’s).  Teacher soldiers will assume battlefield positions and begin screaming, shooting, and saving the students we love.  Our glorious, beloved General Principal will lead us to victory!

Three easy steps to end school shootings forever.  Sure, a few shooters will still try to make the Facebook news feed, but once a failed shooter’s head sits atop a pike in front of the school, other bad boys will think twice.  Let’s be strong in the face of our enemy.  No weakness!  I am willing to do what it takes to protect the students I love, because all I really want to do is teach Shakespeare.

3 thoughts on “A Modest Proposal (Kind Of)

  1. Perfect solution!! I also think it’s very doable. I might suggest that the General Principal ( Fearless Leader ) be someone that you are all not too fond of.

    Liked by 1 person

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